Monday, October 23, 2017


Something I wrote this morning, but didn't post, because nothing I write is heard with the love and gentleness my heart intends...and I thought this would be the same. But...Synchronicities...

I said
    I need you
you said
    you're needy
but the thing about the darkness is
you can never tell
who comes as shadow
or as blessing
so I must have loved you
because I risked to never
draw the lines
of the borders of your light
or chart where the darkness
fell inside the complicated territories
of your heart

I said
    speak to me
you said
    I owe you nothing
and you were right
but then you gave me bread crumbs
to watch me scramble
for what could never fill me up
when I was the girl who crossed deserts
without a drop of my own sweat
to even quench my thirst
so I must have loved you
to need what it was
I didn't really need

I said
    don't fear me
but you heard
    don't trust me
as though it was doublespeak
and in return you invited me
to decipher your cryptographs
never bothering to explain
which were written
in poisoned ink
and when I got those wrong
you said I never loved myself
and when I got them right
you said I didn't love you
when I was only tired
and wanting something straight

I said
    I'm laughing now
you heard
    I'm laughing now at you
but it was me
and then just as always
everything I ever said
never got to be about the heart
or what came from my tongue
but only just your ears
so that if you thought my need
was need
or my love
something serving
for itself
you were never ready to be loved
but not because I didn't love
both you and me

there's a difference between attention
and connection
I could drain this well to dry
but you're not going to drink
some lovers like the sound of water
others take the taste
into themselves
and let it grow

if my heart is spilled now
on the sand
it was your hands
that did not cup
the love I came to give

I am draining to a spring
evaporating into rain
after I crossed deserts
in the cold and burning dark
and I will cross one million more
just for the glimpse of stars
and how they shine

I say
    I love you
    don't be afraid
you say
nothing
but do you ever hear

hear me
here
please hear some heart
some day
somewhere



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